If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
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Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
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