Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
