My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
