Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
