I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
