I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
