I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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