I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
