im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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