she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Michael Bay diarrhea
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
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