I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
