Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Randomize
