Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
