glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
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