dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
