Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
no one could get around him on the stairs cause he surrounded himself with all the empties he could find, he said he was building a fort. then he passed out on them.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
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