I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Randomize
