i just sent this text using only my big toe
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Hmmm. I never knew the difference. I've done either one and had stronger or weaker versions but usually if i took enough, i tripped balls. That should be a PSA for kids... if you take drugs and the drugs are weak, just take more drugs... The More You Know
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
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