I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
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