im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
