just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
i think my mom watched the whole time
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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