I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
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Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
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The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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