I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
