and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize