I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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