We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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