I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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