I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
It's official drugs can't kill me
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
