just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Randomize
