what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
