he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
im holly from the hills drunk
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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