Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
