why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
i think i scared a bird with my dick
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
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