Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
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If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
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American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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