I want you more than these girls want KFC
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
