if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
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then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
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I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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