Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
He has the fingertips of a God
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
