Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
