I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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