I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
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