And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
