party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
The more and more I think about it, the more I realize... it's not ok to just pull over on the side of the highway to pee... I'm sorry I argued that
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
