dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
