Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
