Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
