I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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