can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Randomize
