I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
His nipple licking is glorious
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