You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
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