the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
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