you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
he puts the penis in happiness.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
