I like to think it a success when the cops are called
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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