I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Randomize
